Afternoon tea is the one London institution that rewards taking seriously. It was invented for conversation — a meal whose entire purpose is that nobody hurries — and the better rooms still understand this. You are not booking food. You are booking an unhurried afternoon in a beautiful room, and the food arrives as punctuation.
Choosing the room
The famous names — Claridge’s, The Ritz, Fortnum’s Diamond Jubilee Tea Salon — earn their reputations differently. Claridge’s for the room itself, and service that anticipates rather than asks. The Ritz for occasion: it is theatre, it knows it, and you dress accordingly or you feel it. Fortnum’s for the tea list, the deepest of the three, and for feeling less like an event and more like a very good habit.
The quieter choices are often the better afternoon. The hotel salons a street away from the landmarks offer the same standard with half the audience. If the point is conversation, choose the room where you can hear it.
Timing
Book the early sitting, around half past two. The room is fresher, the light is better, and the afternoon still has somewhere to go — a gallery, the arcades, an early glass somewhere. The late sitting runs into the question of dinner, and afternoon tea should never have to compete.
What to wear
Smart casual is what the dress codes say; slightly better than that is what the room rewards. A jacket rarely regrets itself. The rule I keep is simple: dress for the room, and the room will treat you as though you belong in it — because you will.
How to enjoy it
Slowly. Savouries, scones, pastries, in that order, and the pacing is the point — a tier is not a course to be cleared but a reason to stay another half hour. Let the tea be poured for you. Ask what the room recommends beyond Earl Grey; the answer is usually the best thing on the list. And put the phone away. The entire pleasure of the institution is the person opposite you.
The best tables always feel better with good company. If you agree, you know where I am.